I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
