We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
