yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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