The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
