Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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