We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
