I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
