Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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