Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
