remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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