Don't make out with my wife yet
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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