Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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