And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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