He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
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Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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