Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
