someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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