Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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