you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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