so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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