i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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