cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
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If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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