i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
