Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
