Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
