it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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