Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
