Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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