Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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