I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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