just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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