Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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