he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
