i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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