We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
