I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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