The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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