Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
