Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
