listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
