This is not my ceiling
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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