hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
