Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That reminds me...we need to get swords
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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