your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Blow job season was short but glorious.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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