He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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