i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
