You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
