My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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