Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
