what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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