I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
