I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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