Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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