I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
