she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
