Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The Olympian is in my bed
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