I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
