I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
