I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
