I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
