I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
